Why am I thinking this deeply on a Saturday?

Today I accidentally tried to flush my shirt down the toilet. One second I was using the bathroom and the next I was removing my shirt, throwing it into the toilet, and pulling down on the flusher.  It wasn't until I saw the shirt going around in circles in the toilet that I came to my senses and realized what I had done.    Go ahead, get your giggles out because it's completely true and quite hilarious.   But when you get down to the nitty-gritties, it's downright terrifying. Why?  Because it's a perfect indication of my current mental state.

Drat.  There goes the funny part to this post.  I wish I could say that my brief lapse in mental capacity was due to a simple case of the pregnancy crazies but this time it's just not.  I'm not one to post about personal things for everyone to see, but the past couple of months have downright sucked and sometimes writing just makes me feel better.  So here goes...

I'm not even slightly familiar with the normal curriculum that is required as part of the journey to parenthood.  For all I know, the past few months are something that every parent goes through as a sort of preparation for the trials that lay in wait for them.  At least that's what I keep telling myself because otherwise, I am leaps and bounds behind every parent out there and someone is giving me the crash course in parental prep so I'll be at the normal parent level.  Either way, I've feel like I've been taken through the wringer.

Case in point: I have felt varying degrees of heartbreak multiple times in the past few months.  Not just ouches  that come around all the time-- actual heart break.  Today I finally discovered the pattern.  From what I can tell, slowly but surely, every perception of everything I've ever been completely sure of, has been warped and twisted beyond recognition.

Today I watched (and I sincerely hope I'm exaggerating when I say this), a beautiful, wonderful, nearly perfect friendship die.  In the most technical of terms, it wasn't really mine.  But I've always taken a lot of joy from this particular friendship and to me it exemplified everything that a friendship could ever hope to be.  Even now I don't fully understand what happened; it sort of feels like a stranger at the grocery store just came up and gut-punched me out of nowhere.  But one thing that keeps going through my mind is something I heard from a wise mother over and over again throughout the years: there's two sides to every story. Anyway, the point is that you can't watch something like that unfold and not feel at least a little piece of your heart break.  Because if a friendship like that could break so easily and needlessly, is anything really safe?

Each time I have felt this type of heartache, I've found solace by focusing on one thing that I am absolutely sure of no matter what happens.  Today it was my husband.  So today I want to thank my husband for reminding me that no matter what happens in life, everything will be okay as long as we have each other.  It might be a hard, long storm to brave but if we can just hold on tight to one another, everything will be okay.  And today that was exactly what I needed.

Anyway, the point is that I've finally caught on.  For some reason, and I can only assume it's to prepare us for parenthood, the foundation I'm standing on that has held me up so wonderfully for so long, is breaking and I'm scared to death to find out which piece is going to break next.

Thank goodness for those few things in life that are ever-present and always reliable.